How to Survive Chronic Illness: Letting go of Regret

Chronic illness makes you a flake.There's not many other ways to say that, though I certainly don't mean "flake" in the derogatory sense. Chronic illness makes you a flake because you never know when you're going to have to cancel plans. When you live with a debilitating illness, there are times when everything else must get pushed to the side while you just try to get through each minute of the day. No matter how hard you try, some things must get pushed to the wayside. This can cause a lot of feelings of regret and shame.

I bombed my last quiz of my undergrad career today after rushing through it, because my morning Voltaren was destroying my insides and I needed to get home and to the bathroom, stat. This isn't the first time that my grade has taken a hit as a direct result of being chronically ill, and it's not the worst; other times, I haven't made it to class to take an exam and had my grade dramatically reduced for the class. In the past, pain has left me trapped in bed, unable to attend birthday parties, baby showers, Thanksgiving Dinner. Each time I miss an important event, or have an event ruined by my symptoms, I begin to feel a big monster of regret looming over me. Here are some tips for beating the monster back.

• Realize that one experience doesn't dictate the whole of your life. When things start falling apart, it's easy to make generalizations and start telling yourself that you'll never succeed, that you'll always miss out on fun events, or that your disease is always ruining your life. All-or-Nothing thinking like this really is toxic. Each event is independent. Just because I bombed this test because of my health doesn't mean I'll bomb every test. Sometimes I have fewer symptoms, and I do quite well.
• Accept that you are not responsible for your body. Sometimes it's hard not to feel responsible for what your body is doing, but you are not liable. True responsibility requires the choice of doing otherwise. Simply willing symptoms to stop is as effective as willing your heart to stop beating; it simply continues; you have no choice.
• When appropriate, let people know why you can't attend an event. This may not be appropriate in every setting-- for instance, I keep explanations for absence to teachers very brief and try to simply provide appropriate documentation-- letting people know why you can't show up absolves any hard feelings. If you just keep canceling plans with only vague explanations, your loved ones may feel hurt and abandoned. It might seem obvious to you that you're  missing an event because you're in a lot of pain, but it isn't so obvious to outsiders. By letting them know, they'll be sure to keep including you in the future, rather than withdrawing.
• Develop creative alternatives whenever you can. Really try to brainstorm alternatives to situations that make you feel regretful. One of my big ones as a student was missing class: I've had professor who were kind enough to record their classes and post them online for access if you miss class. I've had Skype dates with friends when I couldn't leave the house to go out to dinner. "Pajama" themed get-togethers at my place and delivery pizza can replace fancy nights dancing. If you can find ways to connect even when you're feeling your worst, the regret monster doesn't have a chance to come out in the first place!